Thursday, December 21, 2017

Beast Mode Ade Akinfenwa no longer the strongest player in world soccer. Bad move FIFA. Very bad move.



If you close your eyes and try to think up a soccer player who you'd be afraid to get in a fight with, not many people would come to mind. Sure Hulk is up there, I mean his name is Hulk but you go down the list Andres Iniesta? Okay, buddy. Kevin De Bruyne? HA, sure champ. Heck even, Christian Benteke. I mean not the first choice on the list but you fancy your chances because he is a soccer player. Let your stereotypes free, soccer haters. Just let them fly.

BUT. There is one player who has been dominating the lower leagues of England whom (whomst?) you may not know about and that is my guy Ade Akinfenwa. The aptly nicknamed Beast Mode (buy a t-shirt) has been ranked the strongest player in the FIFA video game series for years. This man is only 5'11 but is checking in at 220 lbs and benching 450 on a sick day. A man who has played for 15 clubs all across the English lower leagues and has scrapped for everything he's got. A man who has a top 5 goals video in which only consists of headed balls. He is a LEGEND.


This is the background to the strongest man in soccer. As we can see, not a man to be messed with. Yet our pals over at EA had the gall, the proper stones, to rank another man ahead of Ade in strength in FIFA 18. I mean that is no light decision. I'm sure there were scrambles and whispers around the EA offices in Vancouver. Hushed tones beginning to swirl over meetings upon meetings determining whether or not it was the right move. They did it. They pushed it out. Ade Akinfenwa is no longer the strongest man in world soccer. And you know who should be the most upset and nervous after all of this? Not the man who made the decision on naming Ade second, although he should be shitting his pants. It's not Ade himself. A man with an overall 64 FIFA ranking that could only hang his hat on being the best in one category. Not even him. 

It's my man Roman Torres. If I were Roman, I would be calling up EA, calling up FIFA, calling up the police asking for a change or asking for protection because that look in Ade's eyes when calling him out to the camera is terrifying. Now unless the mighty Wycombe Wanderers play a friendly with the Seattle Sounders, these two will never be on the same pitch. But naming a defender the strongest player in the game over Beast Mode, a striker, is just setting the world up to see a crime committed. Hell Ade may request a transfer to the MLS just to dunk on Roman. He's already played for 16 clubs, what's one more. 

So please, EA. Change the ranking. Roman has to play in the World Cup this summer. This is a chance of a lifetime for him. Let's allow him this pleasure to peacefully play without having to look over his shoulder for Beast Mode for the next 6 months. No man deserves this. No man. 

Also shout out Wycombe Wanderers. Fighting for promotion this year. Would love to see you all in League 1 onto the Championship with dreams of the Prem. If you don't have a favorite club or are in the market for an English Club. Give the Wanderers a look. UP THE CHOIRBOYS! (hell of a nickname) 






Will a blackface costume still cause a stir in 2017? Let's ask Antoine Griezmann.


Antoine, Antoine, Antoine. Let's have a quick look at the calendar. We are on the doorsteps of 2018 and you're out here in a blackface costume like you are a sorority girl in 2014. Should you do a blackface costume ever? No. Not in 2017, not in 2014, not in 1914. Bad idea. Do I appreciate a good 69 joke (nice)? Of course I do but the joke gets thrown in the wash when you pair it with blackface. Are you trying to pay homage to your favorite NBA All-Star from the early 2000's? 


Sure, I agree Ben Wallace was a true underdog story going from undrafted to 5 time All-Star and hard nosed, gritty, workhorse for the dominate early 2000s Pistons, but you can't go full send with the costume like you did. 

We've seen the apology and it came quite quickly. I don't know what he said but he seems sorry. He certainly seems blessed that certain people excuse him. That's what my basic french is telling me any way. 



In the end, we've learned a few things here. Blackface costumes = still very very bad or tres mal pour Antoine. Second, if you want to pay respect to your favorite rebounder in the history of the NBA, do not replicate exactly or else you will end up in an internet bust-up or end up as the key cog to stopping a nuclear war with a rogue dictator:







PS. I really enjoyed the shade that the spanish newspaper AS threw at Antoine in a story about a potential transfer to Barcelona this summer.

 "Hey Jorge, I need a picture for the story about the Griezmann transfer to Barcelona and the Atleti corruption claim to FIFA. You got anything?"

 "Si, fam. I got you."




Thursday, December 7, 2017

When you think the FIFA Trial can't get any crazier, Kevin Jonas gets called to the stand. That's right. A Jonas Brother.


What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. In. Brooklyn. Just when you thought the FIFA trial could not get any more ridiculous, the prosecutors just gave the old:


Now you may be asking yourself how does a Jonas Brother factor into the FIFA trials taking place right now? Well, I'd say that's a fair question because I don't even think the prosecutors knows why they called our pal Kev-o up to the stand. He faced roughly 3-5 questions regarding a Paul McCartney concert that the Jonas Brothers attended back in 2010 in Buenos Aires in which one of the defendants was also in attendance.The Jonas Brothers went to the concert solely because they were suppose to play the same venue two days later. First question, how is this relevant to ANYTHING in FIFAgate? The two hadn't spoken to each other, didn't know the other was there, nor did they provide any bribes in attending this concert. Second, how about the Jonas Brothers doing a worldwide tour back in 2010. I don't know about you but I would not have seen that coming. I mean Sir Paul, sure but the Jonas Brothers? Teeny booper demand must have been at an all time high for them to answer the call down in Argentina. 

You also have to imagine how the conversation between the prosecutor and Kevin Jonas went down. 

"Hi, is this Kevin Jonas?" 

"Yes, it is. Can I ask who is calling?"

"I am the lead prosecutor for the FIFA investigation and would like to have you come testify against some corrupt men in court, you free on the 7th?" 

"Don't know how I can help but looks like I'm free on the 7th. You want me to get Nick and Joe to come as well?" 

"Ohhh ...  Kevin, we actually called them already and they couldn't make it. Joe said and I qoute "I am too busy making bangers and dating Sansa Stark. Please don't call this number again". Where as Nick replied "I am the 6th sexiest man in Pop according to Capital FM. Yeah, but no."" 

"Ah they said that to you too? Yea, I'll be there. You validate parking right?"



What a world we live in. What a world. #FIFAgate

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Messi's new contract broken down is flat out astounding. Warning: Please do not do try this at home



The breaking down of a player's new contract is something that is uniquely in the world of soccer. You don't see this in hardly any sphere of American sports. I don't know why but everytime I see one of these breakdowns, I am awestruck at what a top footballer actually makes. As strange as it seems, 70 million euros a year doesn't sound THAT ridiculous. But seeing that he makes 2.20 euros PER SECOND, that stops me in my track. He is being paid to breathe. Nothing else. Just air in the lungs then air out of the lungs. 2.20 per breath. For something that we all do every day. To stay alive. To live, Messi is making 2.20 to live. I mean if there is one person that should get paid to stay alive, it's my man Leo.

As a note, please do not do this breakdown to your salary.

50,000 per year
4,166 per month
1,041.67 per week
148.80 per day
6,20 per hour
.10 per minute
you owe your employer per second


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

UEFA President Aleksander Čeferin playing chess, everyone at FIFA playing checkers



This man Aleksander Ceferin. He seems to be doing everything right. Since the election which named him UEFA President, the basically unknown Slovenian has been saying and doing seemingly everything correctly. Speaking out against the monopolization of the Champions League by the ECA? Check. Willing to discuss a salary cap in European football to support the growth of smaller clubs from smaller countries? You betcha. Taking the MOST OBVIOUS PR decision of joining Common Goal? You bet your sweet ass. Listen, I don't know the guy personally and was in the beginning thought of as a patsy for the FIFA President and former general secretary of UEFA, Gianni Infantino. But for a sport that faces more daily criticism regarding ethics, greed, transparency than probably any sport in the world, joining Common Goal by donating 1% of your salary to charity was by far the easiest way to exclude yourself from the standard football narrative. I don't know the exact number but lets say Alek is making roughly the same ballpark as his FIFA counterparts in making about 1 million francs a year. He just spent 10,000 CHF in:

1) doing the right thing in donating to a football charity
2) building up more and more armour and leeway for anything that comes his way during the rest of his term as president.

This was as much a good person move as it was a safety net JIC he needs it. It is brilliant and I applaud the move.

Now, how not a single soul in FIFA from the President to the Secretary General to the Communications team did not see this as an available move is stunning to me. For an organization that has continually been backtracking for the past three years, this was a move that would have taken a bit off the heat off. Just for a few days but a break is a break. Hey FIFA, one of your biggest events is in two days. The global press will be in Russia to see who will be playing who for your LARGEST tournament. How about tie this in? Get some shine?


Gianni, any comment about FIFA being outmaneuvered by UEFA for the 60th straight year?







Nah, we good fam.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

#ConspiracySZN is here in soccer. Could Peru be disqualified from the World Cup in favor of Italy or Chile?

Flag Peru animated gif 240x180
BREAKING: Latest reports from the FIFA Organising Committee suggest Qatar will take Peru's place in the 2018 FIFA World Cup if disqualified. The 2022 Hosts will likely be in pot 4.


Buckle up ladies and gents, its #ConspiracySZN in soccer. For most major soccer tournaments around the world, there comes this magical time in which one aspect of the event, the host, a team, a player, is called into question and is at risk for disqualification. We are currently seeing this happen with the hosting of the 2022 World Cup in Qatar and the bots that are trying to push damaging news to have the tournament removed from the country. We saw it in the build up to the 2010 World Cup in which Thierry Henry took a pass from the endline, took a dribble, and a Eurostep before eliminating Ireland from the playoffs. 


Should France be removed from the event? Should Ireland go? Should another country go? 

The 2018 World Cup now has its case in whether Peru should be able to go to the World Cup when they are found to be in violation of a FIFA regulation. The regulation and punishment are not important. Peru will go to the World Cup. Nothing will change. Yet, hearing the arguments on who would go in their place is downright hysterical. The articles are making the rounds on the internet now. "Should Italy take their place?" "Chile deserves to go..." and so on. In what planet would either of these two teams deserve to go to the World Cup. They failed to qualify just like the rest of the 180+ other countries around the world. There is hardly a mention of New Zealand to qualify in their place even though they were Peru's opponent in the intercontinental playoffs? 





I'm sorry IsItSnowin, but the US, Italy, Chile, nor Kiwis will be playing in the World Cup. I would love to see how far this goes. The latest rumors are that Qatar will qualify in Peru's place due to them hosting the next World Cup. See its that easy. I just did it. Now it's really #ConspiracySZN. QATAR TO THE WORLD CUP 2018!!!!

In all honesty, FIFA needs to rewrite this regulation that says "The Organising Committee for the event gets to CHOOSE who will replace a disqualified member." In what world does that help anyone? Set up some sort of chain of command for this type of decision. Don't just leave it up to a group of soccer officials with an overinflated sense of self-worth and importance. Come on FIFA. One time for me.

Throat slashes, Suicides, and Soccer: The "What the hell is going on around here" update from the FIFA Trial


It all started three years ago on a sunny Swiss dawn on the banks of the Zurichsee. Baur au Lac, the unofficial official palace of world soccer, a safe haven for corruption, a celebratory respite from the arduous all expenses paid first class flight for the "untouchables" of global soccer gathering at the home of the sport. In this one morning, FIFA and its constituents lost any of the credibility that it had left with the arrest of over 20 of its members for racketeering, money laundering, and so on. You name it and they did it. Now displaced from the protection of their homelands, three of the arrested  are sitting in a NYC courtroom with the same apparent smugness that led them to the very seat they occupy today.  What has transpired in the courtroom in the short time this trial has been active can only be described as grandiose even for Hollywood. I am glad the trial is not getting much play outside the diehard soccer community because well it's becoming a shitty episode of Law and Order. It's a terrible look for the sport and all that love it. Yet, the FIFA trial is somehow managing to add its own unique flair in that its ramifications are being felt in a very real way in and outside of the courtroom. 

The main witness in the case is an Argentinian businessman who took a plea deal based off his involvement in the bribery and laundering throughout the years. This man is fucked. No two ways about it. His life and probably the lives of his family, friends, neighbors will never be the same. He is ratting on some of the most powerful businessmen in South America. We've already had a nice glimpse into this man's future within the first week of the trial. Former Peruvian soccer official Manuel Burga is currently being accused of intimidating a witness after making TWO throat cutting gestures at the witness during his testimony. His lawyer claims that his skin condition on his throat forces him to make gestures to his neck area to manage the discomfort. Get this man a bottle of Lubriderm or put the witnesses family in protection stat because you don't come back from a throat cut motion. Once you go full throat cut, you are basically forced into action. Just ask my man the Undertaker. 

undertaker the wwe rip cut throat animated GIF

You don't go 18-1 in Wrestlemania without backing up your throat cuts. Now imagine being up there on the stand and seeing this not once but TWICE. On the second throat cut, the witness just started crying. CRYING. A grown man crying in a courtroom just knowing what all this means. I do have to say though that this witness really has brass ones staying up there knowing each word is putting men like Burga further and further into a US jail cell and his livelihood more and more into question. 

Now, you are thinking to yourself. How could this get any more interesting? It's just a court case for crying out loud. Well reader, one innocuous throwaway line from our friend Mr. Witness seems to be the reason why an Argentine lawyer committed suicide last week. He makes a mere situational reference to Argentina's "Football for All" program association to bribery and boom a man with a family ends up throwing up the deuces to the world hara kari style. He pulls a Pablo Escobar (shout out Narcos) and says I'd rather die in my country then rot in a US jail. HE WASN'T EVEN IMPLICATED IN THE CASE! 

So this now puts us at two throat cuts and one suicide. Where to next? Let's go with murder for $500, Alex. 

This trail is barely a week old. We now have the mobster trifecta in that a potential murder may be tied to the wide-reaching and sinister spider-web that is the FIFA trail. This past week a VP of one of the implicated companies for handing out bribes was found shot dead on a Mexico City street. Now, as the BBC put it, they do not know if there is any connection of this death to the trial. Could it have been a robbery gone wrong in Mexico City where they have one of the highest ratio of cops to citizens (shout out Wikipedia) in the world because of all the crime? Sure. Would you be surprised if this murder was very much tied to the corruption charges being heard against very powerful South American businessmen? Exactly. 

At what point three years ago would anyone think that a court case involving soccer officials responsible for over hundreds of millions of dollars in bribes being tried in the historically soccer mad country of the US of A while people are suspiciously dropping dead around the Americas? None people. That's how many. None. I don't even know if that sentence makes any sense because I still struggle to wrap my head around the calamity that is the FIFA trial. You also have to realize that this is the trial for only 3 of the 20 odd people involved. We've had some plead guilty already but still have a handful of these bastions of morality off praying that extradition won't get them. 

The whole thing is extraordinarily surreal. It has ceased to be purely comedic in nature, which is a shame. We got people dying because of this garbage. It's not to throw away what these guys have done in the past. They acted criminally and should be punished but by no means should we have dead bodies over soccer. It's a sport. That's it. It's not life or death like some people would force you to believe. I honestly hope all that committed illegal acts will go to jail. I also hope that this trial delivers more hilarious storylines but let's take it down a notch fellas. Light and amusing not sick and morbid. 

PS. 

We still have mountains of people roaming around free from this trial. We have Sepp Blatter living within 5 miles of the FIFA offices still asking for invites to FIFA events. This trial is scratching the surface of what there is to come. We are on the American leg of the case and god willing we see a swift move over to Europe with the likes of Valke, Blatter, Platini in front of the fire. 

PPS. 

The only thing that would make this whole case more intriguing would be the re-introduction of our good pal, Jack Warner. Even in the face of his long time friend Uncle Sepp back in Zurich, Jack Warner was probably the most delusional, enigmatic, and unintentionally humorous aspect of the FIFA fallout. Gentleman Jack is still sitting in Trinidad developing his Youtube Channel, stealing the Inception music, switching camera angles like a boss. 


while politely refusing to spit on reporters


and building the brand "Jack Warner TV"


We need our man back in front of the camera. He is charisma personified spitting hot fire from his green screen in Trinidad. I need more Jack and I need it now. 

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Daniel Sturridge finding out his FIFA rating for Pace is sneaky one of the funnier videos you will see.



I don't know why I found this video so hilarious but I can't stop watching. I've got tears in my eyes as two professional footballers are PERPLEXED by a subjective rating from a video game. Staring off and questioning some junior Comms member of the FA why EA messed up so badly. Also, I am a sucker for the british accent. You could say anything you like, calling me ugly, saying my mom is fat, or telling me my life in shambles, but if said in a proper british accent, I'll just laugh right along. "His pace is 76? His pace should be in the 90s bruv". That line alone had me rolling on the floor. Seeing this side of professional athletes is always the best. Yea, you may see Sterling take a dive every once in awhile or Sturridge pull up with a pulled hamstring every, well, match but having two friends shoot the shit like this is some of the best unintentional comedy out there.

Also, 76 is low for Daniel Sturridge. You have to think that the boys over at EA just haven't seen him play in the past two years so they had a guess at it. I wish I could break down every player's FIFA ratings with them just to see their reactions.

PS.

I will now be responding to every insult with what Daniel Sturridge went with.

"That's an insult to my credibility, to my integrity, my name.... nah I'm not havin' that"

"Sir, I just said you couldn't have any more alcohol. You've had enough and your british accent stinks out loud."

US Soccer Announcers need a goal celebration catchphrase .... ASAP


I saw this video making its way around the internet after Asensio's goal against Las Palmas. As much as I love Ray Hudson, his stick really only works for like three players. Messi, Ronaldo, and Neymar. If you watch that video, there is a distinct guttural sentiment that is missing from the English speaking commentary as compared to the Portuguese or Spanish that was in there. They have cornered the GOOOOOOOOL market. Fair play to them. They were the first movers and now own that beach front real estate in perpetuity. It made me think two things: 1) we need more goals like this in US Soccer. MLS, USL, NWSL, NASL or whathaveyou. We need this. 2) US commentators needs some sort of catchphrase. We need to spice it up a bit. Listening to Phil Schoen is kind of blah. Great announcer but we just need more. Something that's ours. 

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. We tried Gus Johnson and he was worse than Chris Wondolowski in front of an open net. We need to be insular and come up with this in the soccer community. Every Giovinco goal, Sydney Leroux piledriver, etc having something uniquely ours calling the action. It's all about branding people. We need to raise the profile and its starts in the commentary booth. 

The first catchphrase I thought off comes from outside of soccer and from our friends on the ice. "Well Johnny, didn't you just say it has to come from the soccer community?" Yes, yes I did. To be honest, had a short lapse of memory there after thinking about a great Doc Emerick call. Sue me. Anyways. Hearing Doc Emrick with a solid playoff hockey "HE SHOTS, HE SCORES!" with his voice squeaking like a pubescent teenager is all time. It gets the hair on the back of your neck standing up whether you like hockey or not. Its simple and its unique. We need this for our game. 

I don't have the answer to what this catchphrase should be. Watch the goal below and go with your instinct. Yell whatever comes to mind. Let's workshop here. I think this would be a massive step in building the brand.  



PS: Que golazo indeed. Christ. 

BREAKING: World's Happiest Footballer kicks supporter in the face. Gets Red Card. Also BREAKING: Patrice seemingly not the Happiest Footballer in the World anymore.


 The Monday Man. Brightening the worst day of week for ages. Will I stoop to the level of a corny pun to say how he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this day? No I won't. I made a promise to never be punny and that is one promise I vow to keep no matter what side of the bed I wake up on each day. I digress.

You have to feel bad for our guy Patrice here. Should you kick a fan in the face? Probably not. As I know my friend Patrice is a student of history, he should have seen the past precedent that kicking a fan is, in fact, a bad thing. see also: Cantona.


Let's keep the feet on the ground Patrice. Whether it be on a football or on the dancefloor, feet belong on the ground not on people's faces.

Now that we are over that. I have a serious problem with Evra getting a red card BEFORE THE MATCH even kicked off. I know there are rules and that rules should be followed, but you shouldn't have to face a sporting punishment based on something done outside the 90 minutes (95 minutes if you played for Sir Alex Ferguson.) Where does the referee get off being the policeman of the pitch banning a player before a match?! Before a match, a referee is just a woman or man like you and I. They are lawyers, doctors, shopkeepers that enjoy the beautiful game. Inside the lines, they are the judge and jury as they should be. Outside those lines, they should have ZERO power. I never understood how FIFA, leagues, and hell players even allow this to happen. I am sure there is some safety precedent that I am willfully forgetting but I have no intention to change my opinion on this matter. Plus, I think it would be worse punishment for our dancing and singing friend if he had to play the 90 minutes in front of the supporters he chose to kick at. Make it real gladiator type stuff.

These referees can GTFO with pregame or postgame red cards. Get off your power trip and stick to the 90 minutes you try to manage. Let's all stay in are lanes here.

Patrice Evra (any footballer): No kicking fans pre-match especially your own.
Referees: No cards before the whistle blows.
Me: No puns.

Now that's all clear, back to dancing Evra. This dude is just trying to live his best life and I am here for that. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE THIS GAME!


Why this international break will be kinda actually good. Maybe.



Well. A month or so has passed since American soccer hearts were ripped from their chest. The next international break is upon us and what do we do now? International breaks are the family dinners you are forced to attend. You have the drunk uncles clammering on about how things were better in his day and your kid cousin talking about how hard Algebra has been this semester yet you still have the free food and beer so it kind of comes out in the wash. You don't really want to watch an under 23 US side play Portugal without Ronaldo next week but you will because well it's something. As a neutral, this international break will have a lot to take in and enjoy. Sit back and watch Australia squirm in the caldron of the Metropolitano in Honduras. Pretend you are from the old country and mutter in your best irish or italian accent as the tricolors attempt to bust through to Russia.

In the midst of the madness of the US qualification disaster, some would have missed the utter chaos on display in the last round. Countries qualifying on last kicks of the ball, fans crying knowing they will see their country on the grandest stages of them all for the first time in decades. This international break has the potential to elicit the same level of excitement and pandemonium we missed a month ago. Forget your misery of a struggling Everton. Erase the pain of a potential Man City invincibles. Stop dreaming of a side other than Juve winning the Scudetto. Enjoy this man trying to will his countrymen and team to the World Cup he so gracefully abandoned 15 years on.

 

Although you may have no rooting interest this week, get on your hands and knees and hope for a shadow of the excitement caused last break. International football is hardly appointment TV but once in a blue moon it delivers.



Wednesday, October 11, 2017

US Men's Soccer. What's Next?




Welp. What was once thought an impossible outcome has come to pass. US Men's Soccer will not be at this summer's World Cup. I don't have the historical knowledge to make the claim that yesterday was the worst result in US Soccer history but since that seems to be the common theme, let's go with it. Rock bottom. Doomsday has occurred. Where to next? People are coming from all angles questioning the impact on many facets of US Soccer from the future of the sport to development to financial impact. No one really knows, especially at this point, how yesterday's loss will affect US Soccer in the short, medium, and long-term. We have people calling to blow up US Soccer while other are steadfast in the current direction of the sport. In the face of all the arguments being presented, I've constantly found myself with a more conservative lean which even I found surprising. Everyone take a deep breath and let's look at this logically. Point by point. Grab seat. We could be here a while. 

What level of impact should 10 qualification matches over almost two years have on how we run the sport? 

Listen. We should not lose to Trinidad. We should not collect three points from five away matches. We should be in the World Cup. But we aren't. The sample size of matches is not large enough to mandate an atomic bomb be dropped on US Soccer. International soccer is much different from club football. If you get catch a bad run in club football, you have time and various competitions to salvage results. World Cup qualifying is as cut and dry as possible. You don't perform and you sit your ass down for two years to think about getting ready for the next cycle. It's drastic. This qualification round, the United States had poor to mediocre group performances mixed in with costly individual nightmares. Those individual nightmares can cost you matches and that's what happened. You mix that in with overall mediocrity and you don't qualify. That's it. There will be a lot of players who don't make it back from this and that should be the case. They shouldn't have been put in this position in the first place. All players had bad moments including Pulisic, Bradley, etc but Graham Zusi should not be wearing a US kit in 2016, let alone 2017. Clint Dempsey ran his race. It was run a few years ago. DaMarcus Beasley was a key member of this squad for a large stretch of qualification for crying out loud. That's not good enough. BUT this was ten matches many of which with questionable tactics and player selection. A few key injuries along the way helped to arrive to where we are now. A bunch of seemingly small and inconsequential errors compounded during this qualification to produce this outcome. Fixing these small match errors is only one focus of what needs to be changed though. Players were and will be questioned but so were the managers..

Jurgen Klinsmann? Bruce Arena 2.0? The US manager. Who should it be and does it really matter? 

I don't think the manager of the US national team is that important. That's just what I believe. We have seen examples of the most experience managers struggling. We have seen inexperienced managers thrive and make a name. We've seen the opposite of both. Should the next coach be American? Don't care. Should the US Soccer manager be involved in the technical direction of the federation? Probably not. Let's find a manager that can come in just manager the team. That's it. Let's make this as simple as possible. Whether its David Wagner, Caleb Porter, or Jose Mourinho, understand that this will have a marginal impact on the results of our national team at best. 

Get the top 50 candidates and pick out of a hat. It will produce as good of a result as any. 

Player development and how this result impacts future players?

It won't. That's it. If you were a soccer player, you will remain a soccer player. Don't be stupid. Soccer in America at the youth level is the top played sport and will remain that way for the foreseeable future. Now, how we get the conversion from grassroots to youth to professionals firing on all cylinders is a different question. This is where people have to realize that the US is in its infancy especially in comparison to other nations. The MLS academy system and similar advanced programs are incredibly young in regards to organization and implementation of any plan. US Soccer and the MLS are doing great work to share knowledge and help create an environment where the MLS clubs and other top clubs in the country have the resources to focus intently on their youth academies to foster talent in the country. This will take time. Established academies around the world are 30+ years ahead of the US. This will not happen tomorrow but our clubs are getting stronger in financing and staffing their academies. The professionalization of the academy system will be one of the key factors in helping our men's national team produce better players year in and year out. 

Trust the process, Sam Hinkie style. 


How will this impact US Soccer financially? 

US Soccer will lose money. Although they have sponsors locked in over the long term, there will surely be doomsday clauses that reduce payment based off of this result. Bad. The federation will also lose prize money from not being in the World Cup proper. You are looking at a loss of anywhere from $1 mil to $15 mil based on your level of optimism on how the US would have done if it were in the tournament. Will this hurt a non-profit organization such as US Soccer? Sure. alittle. Will it be a death knell? No. Not by a longshot. 

What happens to US Soccer the organization? 

People are claiming for Sunil Gulati to be fired. Well, I am sorry to break it to those people but that is not possible. Unfortunately, he would have to be removed by a 2/3 vote by the board that he sits on and after a breach of the federation bylaws. Unfortunately for some, losing to Trinidad does not meet that requirement. Yet for the first time in his tenure, Sunil Gulati will not run unopposed for President in the next election. If we can take anything from FIFA elections of old, incumbents have a pretty solid chance of maintaining their position. Sunil, whether you like him or not, is a big swinging dick in world football. Sitting on the boards of both CONCACAF and FIFA and the lead organizer of the U17 FIFA Men's World Cup currently happening, he is almost undoubtedly in the protected class of world soccer. It would be a minor miracle to see him not as the president of US Soccer moving into the future ESPECIALLY since the vote for the allocation of the next World Cup will come in the next President's tenure. I saw Sunil work the room in Zurich during the Infantino presidential elections. His influence is undoubted. He will bring the event to the US and that's what we all would like, right? We wouldn't have to qualify for that one. 

What should happen next? 

I don't have the answer. You don't have the answer. US Soccer doesn't have the answer. MLS doesn't have the answer. Everyone has their own opinion on it and all will problem have some aspects of validity. What needs to happen is that US Soccer, MLS, USL, NASL, US Soccer beat writers, and any other person that may have an interest in seeing the US Men's national team get better have to get in a room and talk. Talk for days, weeks, months, years. Figure this shit out as a group. Define all of the interest for all stakeholders and develop a plan to make sure this doesn't happen again. Everyone will point to Germany and what they did in the late 90's and early 2000s. Copy it. Take the best parts. Leave the worst parts. Create parts for America. There should not be a single group left out of this. This is how we fix this or at least put the best foot forward to do so. 

There it is. That's all I got. Bring on Qatar. Bring on the Gold Cup. Bring on the U17s. We will be back. Big countries have missed major tournaments before. It's now happened to us in the modern era. Let's pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward. 


     

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

US Soccer in must win match tonight. Especially after allowing this video from their practice in Trinidad to surface



The US Men's National team have not missed a World Cup in a very very long time. This year we have seen giants of the global game like Argentina and the Netherlands struggle to make or completely miss the next World Cup in Russia. Now with one match to play against struggling Tabagoners from Trinidad, the US can push aside a rough qualification and cement its spot in Russia next summer. A lot of work will need to be done in the meantime if they do qualify and hopefully a few players catch fire heading into the tournament to give the country a fighting chance of exceeding any minimal expectation the team might have. The US should do the job today. It won't be pretty and it will most likely be frustrating as all hell tonight but with the permutations on the table, the US will claim their spot. 

This will likely spark a massive interest from most Americans regardless if you've watched a match since that heart wrenching night against Belgium in 2014. Thanks Wando. People don't forget. 


It will be great even for just three or so games to have the eyes of the country on the Yanks as they try to maraud through Russia and most likely a group of death. The bars will be full and the songs will be sung. The haters of the sport, of which there are many, will watch but still be there to point out the flaws of the sport or how it will never make it in America. From the fledgling to the die-hard fans of the sport, it will be a month that will capture your imagination and even convert some to the beautiful game. Come one, come all. The more the merrier.

What we don't need though is for the following video to make it into the mainstream. 



Not now, not ever. It the anti-soccer stereotype brought to life. 11 seconds can ruin the momentum that soccer has on its side in this country. Rick Pitino couldn't even kill his legacy that quickly. Talking premature ejaculation, folks. Players being carried over what looks to be a giant puddle to the training pitch is something that any soccer hater will have burnt into their memory. More than any dive, or fake injury, or 0-0 result.

For the love of God and all things soccer, lets get this video off the internet so it doesn't come back to bite us. We need a win tonight not the negative juju that this sort of event can cast around a group of 11 men trying to get to the world's biggest stage.

Take us to the promised land, Pulisic. Just hopefully not by piggyback across 8 inches of water. 

Friday, October 6, 2017

Fan throws paper plane from the stands into the England net. Much more impressive than England qualifying for the World Cup.



England have qualified for the World Cup with a match to play. Job done for the three lions but the group they qualified from was never going to give them any pressure. The vibe surrounding the team is not at an all time high as they were never really that impressive during the qualification round. Now as the book Soccernomics lays out regardless of how well England do in qualifying, it has ABSOLUTELY no bearing on how they will perform in the tournament. Bad Qualifying does not mean bad Tournament, just like Good Qualifying means Good tournament (as we saw in Brazil). The World Cup is largely determined by the draw. So unless England get the Sepp Blatter "hot and cold" draw ball treatment, they will underperform in the eyes of their country. Will England win the World Cup this summer? I would bet heavily against it. In the same Soccernomics, the authors lay out, in one of the most wild titles a book has ever had, the predicted outcome of England in World Cups and one I believe will hold true.



England won their sole World Cup on its own grounds and thanks to some pretty "lenient" refereeing decisions. Odds are, this will be the only World Cup they win in these next 100 years.

BUT. If they locate and incorporate PaperPlane person into the setup of the squad, I'd fancy a bet on the three lions this summer. This person is clearly an expert in design and creativity. If you have ever made and thrown a paper plane further than 10 ft, you're just an asshole liar. Making a paper plane travel the length from the Wembley stands to the back of the England net is nothing short of prodigious. He can help design an England squad that can actually play with rhythm and direction that they are clearly lacking now. Paperplane person is the magic that this England squad need in the run up to the World Cup. If the FA does not get this person involved in the World Cup runup, it would be a disastrous mistake. And that's coming from the people that were involved in















AND

 luis suarez three lions roy hodgson england national team GIF

PS. If you make your paper airplanes any different than this design, you're an asshole.



No need to be a try hard with one of these bougie designs. If you did this, you can GTFO.

 or   

Thursday, October 5, 2017

The 7th Circle of Hell aka being stuck chasing in a small sided game in France Training



I don't think I would wish this on my worst enemy. Chasing and chasing and chasing trying to break up play in training against a squad that looks like this:

Goalkeepers: Alphonse Areola (PSG), Hugo Lloris (Spurs), Steve Mandanda (Marseille)
Defenders: Presnel Kimpembe (PSG), Laurent Koscielny (Arsenal), Djibril Sidibe (Monaco), Samuel Umtiti (Barcelona), Raphael Varane (Real Madrid), Christophe Jallet (Lyon), Lucas Digne (Barcelona), Layvin Kurzawa (PSG)
Midfielders: N'Golo Kante (Chelsea), Blaise Matuidi (Juventus), Paul Pogba (Manchester United), Adrien Rabiot (PSG), Corentin Tolisso (Bayern Munich), Thomas Lemar (Monaco)
Forwards: Olivier Giroud (Arsenal), Antoine Griezmann (Atletico Madrid), Alexandre Lacazette (Arsenal), Kylian Mbappe (Monaco), Florian Thauvin (Marseille), Nabil Fekir (Lyon), Kingsley Coman (Bayern Munich)

Fuck that noise. 

Instead of jail, punishment for all crimes should be this. Just this and the outcome for those in the middle will always be the same...

 tired GIF

The Guardian released its "Next Generation" of Young Football talents. Guess what, there are two Americans. Let's get excited.


As is tradition in US Soccer, the next big star or the face of Soccer is yearning to be named. Apparently, we will not make it as a soccer nation until we have a global superstar ala Messi or Ronaldo. Hell even a Higuain would do wonders for this country (as long it's a skinnier version than the current model). The Guardian has been doing a great job over the last few years identifying the top talent across the globe as their best guesses at the next wave of superstars in the sport. Fortunately enough, the US has had players on the list each of the past four years. Past US players on their lists have included Erik Palmer-Brown, Nick Taitague, and of course the current face of US Soccer, Christian Pulisic. Obviously, we've seen the incredible potential from the players on this list and even some dividends with Pulisic dominating the headlines for the National Team. Now, we have the next chosen ones and those players are: Andrew Carelton and Timothy Weah. They are both playing on the current U17 team in the World Cup in India so will have their chance to shine. This is a tournament that has put a bright light on its stars, including pizzaman Cesc Fabregas, Toni Kroos, and Jurgen Klinsmann's best friend Landon Donovan. 

Andrew Carleton is as homegrown of a player as homegrown players get. At the age of 16, he has already started for Atlanta FC and has been very confident in the MLS' ability to produce top quality talent for the national team and for the world stage. He has an outstanding goal record (20 g in 32 matches) for the youth national team and his professional experience will make him an interesting player to watch in India. For the MLS sake, I really hope he works out. The academy system in the country is still incredibly young and the more success stories the better for our clubs and attracting the top talent no matter where they are from. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Timothy Weah. The last name should sound familiar to most even if you know it from Timothy's father who was a pretty solid player in his own right. 

 

Timothy is following in his father's doorsteps by banging in goals for PSG (academy) but differs in that he will be playing in the Stars and Bars. The pedigree is unmatched and if Timbo can produce half of what his father did in his career, we will have an absolute gem on our hands for the next few World Cup cycles. 

Now more than in the past, US Youth talent is moving to play in Europe at a very young age. Whether that is better or worse, I don't know. On one hand, keeping this talents away from the American spotlight and hounding search for the "face of American soccer" will be a good thing. Let them go to these academies that are well funded with the best talent in the world. Timothy can go play in Paris and will most likely not be heard from in the US news cycle until he makes his senior international debut. The more time for development the better in my eyes. On the other hand, the foreign based players will most likely face some sort of prejudice playing in Europe. Could they be sandbagged and sat until they show they are far and away better than their teammates because they are Americans? Sure. Could they also be found out talentwise, or lack thereof, much quicker? You bet your ass. Going over to Europe will put these players to the fire immediately and these young players will need a sturdy head on their shoulders to face that. 

For now American soccer fans, let's be incredibly happy that we have talent being recognized on the highest platforms. Let's also not expect these kids to be generational talents because we don't need them to be. Messi and Ronaldo show that even their level of talent on the national stage doesn't always produce the results you want as a country. 

PS. Its extraordinarily depressing that these next generation players were born in 2000. Just a real slap in the face from reality that old is old and man I am washed. 

Equatorial Guinea just can't stop, won't stop fielding ineligible players in FIFA Competitions


After every round of international matches, FIFA usually levies fines to some of its member nations. A frequent fine typically given is to Latin American countries of CONMEBOL and CONCACAF for the "Puto" chant. Its like clockwork. Games are hosted, months later the same fine handed out to pretty much the same countries. Clearly the perfect deterrent for such a crime. Yet this week, we saw FIFA levy a 100k fine and a tournament ban to tiny Equatorial Guinea. You hardly see countries banned from competitions entirely but that's exactly what happened to the Equatorial Guinea Women's National Team and the 2019 Women's World Cup after fielding 10 non-eligible players for the Rio Olympics qualifying. These 10 women were all from Brazil, who had their own side competing in the same competition. Fielding 22 women from the same country under two flags from different continents is very much frowned upon in the eyes of FIFA apparently. FIFA drops the hammer and the national squad is buried for the next cycle of the event. You may be asking yourself, "Why do I care about Equatorial Guinea Football, Johnny?" Well you probably shouldn't until you find out the country has been doing this and being fined basically for every tournament across the board over the past 10 years. They can't get enough of using players from different countries. They love it. 

Now the country we are talking about it is limited in terms of human resources. 

Location of  Equatorial Guinea  (dark blue)– in Africa  (light blue & dark grey)– in the African Union  (light blue)
















They've got one million people and occupy what seems to be .00000001% of the land in Africa. Creativity is needed to get their football side on the map. Their original plan of fielding foreign players doesn't seem so ridiculous. Would FIFA care about that tiny country and who they register? Can't imagine they are going through each roster with a fine tooth comb especially in regards to these African minnows. The problem for Equatorial Guinea is that they don't seem to have plan B. Plan A is not working but they are going route 1 until they get over the line. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, but kind of the exact the opposite. 

Einstein once said, continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. It may be harsh to say the federation in Equatorial Guinea is insane but Einstein was a smart guy so I won't be one to argue with him. On the other hand, some lazy guy once said snake it til you make it. I couldn't find the origin of that statement so this person MUST have been from Equatorial Guinea. The women's team has been fined before for similar violations and the men's team once had a game forfeited for not fielding a SINGLE play born in the country. Now there are rules that can allow that situation to be plausible but christ Guinea, let's mix in one huh? If you're Equatorial Guinea, you can't stop at this point either. They pushed all their chips to the middle of the table in running out Brazil 2.0. FIFA would never completely ban the entire federation. I mean hell, they took over the most bankrupt of bankrupt Greek federations and somehow lost them more money. Equatorial Guinea has enough oil money to pay off any FIFA fine so they are almost forced to keep having a go at this. Snake it until you make to the World Cup, you crazy motherfuckers.    

PS. It would behove you to know that Equatorial Guinea is the only African country with Spanish as an official language. So now you learned something today. It will probably come up on Jeopardy one day and you'll have no one but your boy to thank for impressing your boyfriend/girlfriend. You're welcome. 

Cesc Fabregas threw a slice of pizza at Sir Alex Ferguson.


Is throwing pizza in a fight a cowardly thing to do? Absolutely. Do I blame our young friend Cesc for doing so? Absolutely not. What I do blame him for is not taking the credit immediately and I believe that drastically and unknowingly changed the fortunes of Arsenal, effects we are still seeing to this very day. First off, I can't blame Cesc for throwing a pizza in the middle of a fight especially when that fight involved the likes of Sol Campbell and Martin Keown. Everyone has to know their weight class and luckily for Cesc, he knew that was not to be his fight. You also can't be an absolute coward and just sit on the sidelines as well. A good artist uses the tools that he has around him and for the young spaniard the pizza was the brush that painted his masterpiece. 

Where Cesc missed out on a lot of money and Arsenal missed on maintaining their legacy was not having him admit to throwing the pizza the moment after it happens. Arsenal are coming of the backs of being the invincibles.They will shortly go on to a very successful run to a Champions League final. The momentum was there to be pounced upon. Instead? They hide and refuse to be the villains chucking pizza at the throne like Donatello and Shredder. It cost them everything. They didn't realize then but the fall to mediocrity was upon them. 

 Just imagine the pizza based songs coming from the crowds, the merch that could have been sold, the spin off cartoons being made. Just imagine:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 
Heroes in a half shell North London
Turtle Gunner power!

They're the world's most fearsome fighting football team
They're heroes in a half-shell and they're green red
When the evil Shredder Spurs attacks
These Turtle Gunner boys don't cut him them no slack!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Splinter Wenger taught them to be ninja teens a football team.
Leonardo Sol Campbell leads, Donatello Viera does machines
Raphael Keowan is cool but crude
Michaelangelo  Ashley Cole is a party dude

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half shell North London
Turtle Gunner power!

If that's not on the terraces by Sunday, I'll be shocked. You all can sort out the pun for Arsenal and the Turtles. I did my job

Arsenal would be rolling in the dough. For Cesc, he instantly becomes the new face of the club. The kid who lives and dies with pizza and the club. Before he was eventually sold back to Barcelona, Arsenal would have been FORCED to keep the pizza propelling prodigy at the club at any cost. Cesc stays with other stars joining and they are challenging for silverware to this day instead clawing at fourth place and the playoffs for the Champions League. 

That one decision has now seen Cesc join London rivals Chelsea with his former boss reduced to fighting for his job every season while fighting against his seemingly broken stadium jacket.  Can someone get the guy a function coat for crying out loud? He's been through enough already. Poor Arsene.

Arsene Wenger can't find his coat pocket

More of Arsene Wenger having trouble with his coat zip

Arsene Wenger can't zip up his coat, again

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

32 cities remain in the running to host the World Cup in the US (Mexico and Canada, kinda). Let's have a look at who is left.


 In 2026, these United States of America will be hosting the FIFA Men's World Cup. Not all the niceties have been sorted yet but it's going to happen. There is only one other bidder and I don't see Morocco having any sniff at hosting this event. So with that now out of the way. We now turn to which cities will be hosting this event. As a breakdown, the World Cup is typically hosted in 12 stadia across the host nation(s). Yet, the 2026 World Cup will be the first in the new expanded 48 team format. How much will that affect the number of host cities for the tournament is yet to be seen but I'd figure the number to be somewhere to be 12 at the absolute minimum and roughly 16 at the upper limit. The mandated guarantees that FIFA expects out of a host and its host cities is a long list which many few cities in the world can accommodate, let alone a group of cities of one country. But here we are. The cities left in contention are in the opening tweet and we have some interesting options.

As already stated by the Bid Committee for the US, Mexico, and Canada, our neighbors to the north and south will be hosting only a handful of matches leading up to the knockout rounds, leaving the business end of the tournament to the US.

When the US first hosted the event in 1994, the host cities looked as such:


The soccer landscape in the country has drastically changed in the past 23 years but there still remain stalwarts that hosted then and will host this go round. Those cities are LA and NY/NJ. I would argue that Dallas is just much of a lock but Metlife and the Rose Bowl will be played in.  Much like the final in 1994, I would bet my life that one of these two will the host of the opening match and/or the final. Next on the list of all most near locks are Dallas and Chicago. If you don't think they are playing in Jerry World then you are outside your mind. 100k people at World Cup ticket prices? Lock city. Next, Chicago is the home of the US Soccer federation so ipsofacto they will get matches. The most interesting of the '94 host cities to potentially be brought over is DC. The nation's capital and surrounding areas are a hotbed for US Soccer and oh yea, it's also the fucking capital. HOWEVER. The stadiums there are THE WORST. RFK was played in during the '94 World Cup. It will not exist in a few years. FedEx field is incredibly difficult to get to, the pitch they use for soccer matches is borderline criminal. DC United's new stadium set to open next year will only hold 20k, well short of the FIFA requirements. It pains me to think that the World Cup will be played in FedEx Field but I don't think there is any other choice. You can't not play in the capital. You just can't. This is how I see it shaking out. Please pardon my local geography as I couldn't care less what part of Georgia Atlanta is in or where Seattle is in Washington.


We've got: LA, SF, Seattle, Phoenix, Houston, Dallas, Orlando, Atlanta, DC, NY/NJ, Chicago, and Boston.

All of these places have brand new mega stadias thanks to the NFL or are legacy soccer cities in the country. Would I be surprised if Philly/Baltimore got one? No. Nashville, Minneapolis, Miami? All new or by that time new MLS cities. Sorry but nope. Won't happen. In order to pass FIFA requirements, Host Cities need massive, and hopefully preexisting, infrastrastructure including Hotels, Airports, Training Centers, etc. Those 12 above provide US Soccer and FIFA the easiest path to run this event while seeing various parts of the country. It's a win-win for everybody. Well except for the flyover states. But what's really out there anyways. Both coasts and all of the country's major cities covered. Ticks all the boxes especially when considering our Mexican and Canadian brethren. 

Switching to our latin friends and king of the FIFA fine:



The only real certainty is Mexico City. There will be games at the Azteca. Monster stadium with World Cup history. It's one of the most known grounds around the world. Lock it up for Mexico City. Guadalajara and Monterrey are both homes to massive clubs of  Liga MX but if I had to guess the remaining order of mexican hosts it would be Monterrey followed by Guadalajara based on proximity to the States and the other potential host sites.

Hold onto your butts Canada, the Men's World Cup is heading your way.

Barstool Sports  drink drinking canada GIF

Canada presents an interesting challenge to the organizers of the event. The canadian cities on the list excluding Edmonton have well supported MLS clubs. The question there is stadium size to meet the minimum FIFA requirements and proximity to the other host venues. If you have a subsection of host cities on the west coast, you'd have to think Vancouver would have a great chance. If in Montreal, you cover three of the four FIFA languages which I am sure will get a couple people back in Zurich all hot and bothered. Toronto is the OG of the Canadian MLS sides. Does that give them the edge? After hosting a quite successful Women's World Cup in 2015 and having that final in Vancouver, I'd give them the edge now with Toronto being the backup choice.

Well as we head towards the announcement most likely in 2019, I hope everyone starts getting excited to have the eyes of World Football on the Stars and Bars hosting the Men's World Cup. Only 9 years to go.....

 wait waiting patience spanky GIF


Tuesday, October 3, 2017

The Ekaterinburg World Cup Stadium falls short of capacity requirements. Russian ingenuity solves the problem.


When the World Cup was given to Russia, the world of sports did not really know how to react. On one side, you have the ruthless, and I think I mean that quite literally, efficiency of the government to get things done. Legend has it, they needed a 500 room hotel built in two weeks for the Sochi Olympics and it was done with a little light nudging from Moscow. You need a little bit of that when trying to pull off an event of this size. On the other side of Russia hosting the World Cup, the country ran one of the most sophisticated government sponsored doping schemes in the history of sports and they have one the greatest reputations for racism and hooliganism in football. They have senators wanting to codify rules for competitive hooliganism. Real pro's pros. All that thrown aside, this is the most ridiculous stadium designs I have ever seen. In any sport. Ever. This makes sitting behind a pole at Fenway look like the best seat in the house in comparison.



Now I have no idea what @oldLentach is saying here but I am sure it is something similar to "yea this temporary stand should do the business. Safe as could be". Almost half of the capacity of the stadium is on that rack of steel that is sticking out of the arena. Will you get some sort of discount for sitting in the open-air seemingly a mile away from the pitch? You bet your sweet ass you won't. Get your 94,030 rubles and get ready to climb a structure that looks like a modern day Aggrocrag. You climb up the first few rows easily then come the falling hooligans to dodge. Have to stay light on your feet. You zigzag your way to row ЙЙ seat Ю. You did it. Moe is ready to hand you a medal and boom you realize that you forgot the nachos. All of this to watch Australia play Cameroon in the group stages. Then you remember you are over 1,000 miles from Moscow and in a place in which the temperatures can fall to -49 degrees as late as April. 

If you are heading out to Russia this summer, may the fortunes be ever in your favor. 
 

Alex Morgan kicked out of Epcot after an argument in UK bar.


I have not been to DisneyWorld or any of its parks for many a year. From what I remember of the happiest place on earth, the guests are encouraged, nay inspired, to have the said happiest time while within its walls. It's in their corporate slogan for crying out loud. Now Alex was just simply following this old adage to a tee especially in arguably the most boring of the parks, Epcot. If Disney does not want people to drink around the world with their friends then add more rides to the damn park. Mission Earth and Test Track can only get you so far.

Now I've never drank around the world at Epcot because my only trip there was when I was 10 and the fireworks scared the shit out of me. If I had to go back to Epcot, the first thing I am doing is touring the world having my share of absinthe in Switzerland, Saki in Japan, Tequilla in Mexico, and Star beer in Nigeria (shout out Chelsea FC for making me know a Nigerian beers). Now when I make it to the UK bar, I want to make myself at home. A little brexit talk here, a little North London derby there. Sure, that may cause some arguments but sorry for trying to adapt to the culture. Just accept globalism, Disney. Alex, here, was just trying to fit in. If you can't handle a little brush up in a british pub, then Disney just isn't authentic as I believed it to be and that is sad.

Also as the old proverb goes, never throw stones if you live in a glass house. I myself have been asked to leave an amusement park drinking establishment in my day. Sorry, Universal, that I wanted to relax with a nice blue moon at the Margaritaville restaurant bar after a nice day in the park with my friends. Sure, my alleged fake ID said I was 8 years older than I was and was made in the basement of a tattoo shop in NYC. Sure, I had a baby face up that I couldn't shake until I was 25. But making me sneak around through the gift shop entrance into the restaurant just to enjoy a $32 snow crab leg and the island tones of Mr. Jimmy Buffett was just not called for.

So Alex, just like myself, was a victim of the poor park design that is rampant in Orlando. What other option did either of us have. I stand with Alex and will do so until this sort of behavior is weeded out on the banks of the Kissimmee River.