Thursday, December 21, 2017

Beast Mode Ade Akinfenwa no longer the strongest player in world soccer. Bad move FIFA. Very bad move.



If you close your eyes and try to think up a soccer player who you'd be afraid to get in a fight with, not many people would come to mind. Sure Hulk is up there, I mean his name is Hulk but you go down the list Andres Iniesta? Okay, buddy. Kevin De Bruyne? HA, sure champ. Heck even, Christian Benteke. I mean not the first choice on the list but you fancy your chances because he is a soccer player. Let your stereotypes free, soccer haters. Just let them fly.

BUT. There is one player who has been dominating the lower leagues of England whom (whomst?) you may not know about and that is my guy Ade Akinfenwa. The aptly nicknamed Beast Mode (buy a t-shirt) has been ranked the strongest player in the FIFA video game series for years. This man is only 5'11 but is checking in at 220 lbs and benching 450 on a sick day. A man who has played for 15 clubs all across the English lower leagues and has scrapped for everything he's got. A man who has a top 5 goals video in which only consists of headed balls. He is a LEGEND.


This is the background to the strongest man in soccer. As we can see, not a man to be messed with. Yet our pals over at EA had the gall, the proper stones, to rank another man ahead of Ade in strength in FIFA 18. I mean that is no light decision. I'm sure there were scrambles and whispers around the EA offices in Vancouver. Hushed tones beginning to swirl over meetings upon meetings determining whether or not it was the right move. They did it. They pushed it out. Ade Akinfenwa is no longer the strongest man in world soccer. And you know who should be the most upset and nervous after all of this? Not the man who made the decision on naming Ade second, although he should be shitting his pants. It's not Ade himself. A man with an overall 64 FIFA ranking that could only hang his hat on being the best in one category. Not even him. 

It's my man Roman Torres. If I were Roman, I would be calling up EA, calling up FIFA, calling up the police asking for a change or asking for protection because that look in Ade's eyes when calling him out to the camera is terrifying. Now unless the mighty Wycombe Wanderers play a friendly with the Seattle Sounders, these two will never be on the same pitch. But naming a defender the strongest player in the game over Beast Mode, a striker, is just setting the world up to see a crime committed. Hell Ade may request a transfer to the MLS just to dunk on Roman. He's already played for 16 clubs, what's one more. 

So please, EA. Change the ranking. Roman has to play in the World Cup this summer. This is a chance of a lifetime for him. Let's allow him this pleasure to peacefully play without having to look over his shoulder for Beast Mode for the next 6 months. No man deserves this. No man. 

Also shout out Wycombe Wanderers. Fighting for promotion this year. Would love to see you all in League 1 onto the Championship with dreams of the Prem. If you don't have a favorite club or are in the market for an English Club. Give the Wanderers a look. UP THE CHOIRBOYS! (hell of a nickname) 






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Will a blackface costume still cause a stir in 2017? Let's ask Antoine Griezmann.


Antoine, Antoine, Antoine. Let's have a quick look at the calendar. We are on the doorsteps of 2018 and you're out here in a blackface costume like you are a sorority girl in 2014. Should you do a blackface costume ever? No. Not in 2017, not in 2014, not in 1914. Bad idea. Do I appreciate a good 69 joke (nice)? Of course I do but the joke gets thrown in the wash when you pair it with blackface. Are you trying to pay homage to your favorite NBA All-Star from the early 2000's? 


Sure, I agree Ben Wallace was a true underdog story going from undrafted to 5 time All-Star and hard nosed, gritty, workhorse for the dominate early 2000s Pistons, but you can't go full send with the costume like you did. 

We've seen the apology and it came quite quickly. I don't know what he said but he seems sorry. He certainly seems blessed that certain people excuse him. That's what my basic french is telling me any way. 



In the end, we've learned a few things here. Blackface costumes = still very very bad or tres mal pour Antoine. Second, if you want to pay respect to your favorite rebounder in the history of the NBA, do not replicate exactly or else you will end up in an internet bust-up or end up as the key cog to stopping a nuclear war with a rogue dictator:







PS. I really enjoyed the shade that the spanish newspaper AS threw at Antoine in a story about a potential transfer to Barcelona this summer.

 "Hey Jorge, I need a picture for the story about the Griezmann transfer to Barcelona and the Atleti corruption claim to FIFA. You got anything?"

 "Si, fam. I got you."




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Thursday, December 7, 2017

When you think the FIFA Trial can't get any crazier, Kevin Jonas gets called to the stand. That's right. A Jonas Brother.


What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. In. Brooklyn. Just when you thought the FIFA trial could not get any more ridiculous, the prosecutors just gave the old:


Now you may be asking yourself how does a Jonas Brother factor into the FIFA trials taking place right now? Well, I'd say that's a fair question because I don't even think the prosecutors knows why they called our pal Kev-o up to the stand. He faced roughly 3-5 questions regarding a Paul McCartney concert that the Jonas Brothers attended back in 2010 in Buenos Aires in which one of the defendants was also in attendance.The Jonas Brothers went to the concert solely because they were suppose to play the same venue two days later. First question, how is this relevant to ANYTHING in FIFAgate? The two hadn't spoken to each other, didn't know the other was there, nor did they provide any bribes in attending this concert. Second, how about the Jonas Brothers doing a worldwide tour back in 2010. I don't know about you but I would not have seen that coming. I mean Sir Paul, sure but the Jonas Brothers? Teeny booper demand must have been at an all time high for them to answer the call down in Argentina. 

You also have to imagine how the conversation between the prosecutor and Kevin Jonas went down. 

"Hi, is this Kevin Jonas?" 

"Yes, it is. Can I ask who is calling?"

"I am the lead prosecutor for the FIFA investigation and would like to have you come testify against some corrupt men in court, you free on the 7th?" 

"Don't know how I can help but looks like I'm free on the 7th. You want me to get Nick and Joe to come as well?" 

"Ohhh ...  Kevin, we actually called them already and they couldn't make it. Joe said and I qoute "I am too busy making bangers and dating Sansa Stark. Please don't call this number again". Where as Nick replied "I am the 6th sexiest man in Pop according to Capital FM. Yeah, but no."" 

"Ah they said that to you too? Yea, I'll be there. You validate parking right?"



What a world we live in. What a world. #FIFAgate
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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Messi's new contract broken down is flat out astounding. Warning: Please do not do try this at home



The breaking down of a player's new contract is something that is uniquely in the world of soccer. You don't see this in hardly any sphere of American sports. I don't know why but everytime I see one of these breakdowns, I am awestruck at what a top footballer actually makes. As strange as it seems, 70 million euros a year doesn't sound THAT ridiculous. But seeing that he makes 2.20 euros PER SECOND, that stops me in my track. He is being paid to breathe. Nothing else. Just air in the lungs then air out of the lungs. 2.20 per breath. For something that we all do every day. To stay alive. To live, Messi is making 2.20 to live. I mean if there is one person that should get paid to stay alive, it's my man Leo.

As a note, please do not do this breakdown to your salary.

50,000 per year
4,166 per month
1,041.67 per week
148.80 per day
6,20 per hour
.10 per minute
you owe your employer per second


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