Saturday, September 23, 2017

FIFA The Best Awards nominees have been announced. Let's have a look, shall we?

The second annual FIFA The Best Awards will be taking place, as I'm sure you all know, this October in London. If you don't know this event, its FIFA's version of the Emmys or Oscars in which they fly in players and guests from all around the world to give out an award that would have been better served being mailed. This event will lose more money then it will have viewers. If you weren't excited before, I bet the blood is pumping now. To the awards!

The BEST Men's Award
Even the most novice football fan could probably guess the three nominees for this award. You betcha, your guys Messi, Ronaldo, and Neymar. Now, Neymar is a great player but is only here because they need to fill the quorum* to even give out an award. Facts are facts, you are either a Messi or a Ronaldo guy. I am a Messi guy but I think even in the face of the horrendous portrait statue of Ronaldo, Ronaldo had solid numbers and Real Madrid won the double. Your winner:



*sorry for the college word. It means minimum number.

The BEST Women's Award:  Probably Lieke Martens since Denya isn't a pro and Carli wasn't great.
The BEST Goalkeeper: Should be Keylor Navas but will probably be Manuel Neuer
The BEST Men's Coach: If Zidane doesn't win, the awards shouldn't exist next year
The BEST Women's Coach: Admittedly I have no idea. Probably the Lyon coach because they won the Champions League. I'll try to be better next year.

Now the award that puts the asses in the seats. I'm watching these goals for the first time as I write this so it will be completely reactionary and I'll probably pick three goals to win. But here they go:

Mousa Dembele - Celtic V St. Johnstone


I don't like to take the Lord's name in vain (shoutout Jesus), but Christ that was terrible for a goal of the year. The build up wasn't slow and unlocking St. Johnstone with 27 mediocre passes isn't exactly knocking my socks off. I love Celtic but no chance. Shame on you whoever selected this.

Jordi Mboula - Barcelona v Dortmund

Without doing much/any research, this seems to be a UEFA Youth League goal. For that, I take something off of it. ALTHOUGH, that was pretty awesome. La Masia knows what they're doing as if they have a cheat code. Subtle touches in half a yard of space. I see you young fella. I see you.

Olivier Giroud - Aresnal v Crystal Palace

Without having to watch this again, I remember this goal from seeing it live (from the bar). That's how you know it's a keeper. The Frenchman that can't seem to keep up with the pace of play anywhere manages this worldie. Kids, watch this and realize "if you dream it, you can do it" or whatever that saying is because this is straight from Olivier's dreams to the back of a North London net.

Mario Mandzukic - Juve v Real Madrd
Another instantly recognizable goal from the last year as it came in the Champions League Final. This was the goal that if you had Juve +1 goals bet that  you thought "holy shit, we are back!". Well we were not back BUT this goal was from the top drawer and gave bettors some hope. God bless those few minutes.

Kevin-Prince Boateng - Las Palmas v Villareal
The Prince is still out here doing the damn thing! The build up from the spanish islander team was smooth and the finish was oh so sweet, especially coming from the ancient Boateng. There are already absolute monster goals on this list but a tip of the cap to the football prince.


Alejandro Camargo - Universidad de Concepción v O'Higgins  


Outside of the fact that O'Higgins is actually a Chilean club and not from Ireland, this goal should win the Puskas. It probably won't because it's a bit of a gimmick but COME ON. The guy hit it first time from 63 yards off of a clearance which probably went 100 ft. in the air. Thats needle in a haystack type stuff. That skill is once in a career and my good man Alejandro just had. Felicidades caballero.

Please note: all distances were guessed as I have terrible spatial judgement. Please don't make fun. Bullying is ugly .

Aviles Hurtado - Atlas v Xolos

This may be a take but I couldn't be bothered by that. I understand every aspect of that was extraordinarily difficult but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'll be honest, this is a long post and my attention span is waning but it didn't move the needle. And for that reason, I'm out. Sorry Aviles.

Denya Castellanos - Venezuela v Cameroon

Our 18-year old Women's Award candidate with the slyest of moves. Should this goal be on the Puskas award list? Probably not since the goalkeeper and her 12.75 in vertical probably should have done better there but in a classic international derby such as Venezuela/Cameroon, hitting the ball 50+ yards into the back of the net on the fly is a nothing to scoff at. Good on ya, girl.

Oscarine Masuluke - Baroka v Orlando Pirates (not the D-league team for the Magic)


Ladies and Gents we have a GK goal. There is nothing better than a GK goal and that't just a fact. This video has it all. We have a GK goal. We have a bicycle kick. We have a late winner/equalizer. We have the new dance that will take over the colleges of Baroka. This SHOULD be the Puskas award winner. To go even further, he should win it again next year as  well. Oscarine, I hope you win and enjoy that first class trip to London because you deserve it. GK Union stand up.

Nemanja Matic - Chelsea v Tottenham


I saw this goal live and audibly gasped. You don't hit a ball better than that was hit. If that doesn't hit the crossbar and goes an inch over the bar, that sends a slightly overweight hooligan with too many unironic tattoos to an early exit. Hypothetical thoughts and prayers to Gareth. He goes by Chains though because he loves a good McDonalds or Nandos after a pint or two with the lads not because he used a chain one time in a fight after the Stoke match in 98'. I digress. Great goal by Matic but the real story here is Chains. Glad you're safe, mate.
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YOUR PUKAS AWARD WINNER: Probably Giroud/Mandzukic, hopefully Camargo, and should be Oscarine.

See you next year when FIFA wastes more money to host such an event.
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