Thursday, December 21, 2017

Beast Mode Ade Akinfenwa no longer the strongest player in world soccer. Bad move FIFA. Very bad move.



If you close your eyes and try to think up a soccer player who you'd be afraid to get in a fight with, not many people would come to mind. Sure Hulk is up there, I mean his name is Hulk but you go down the list Andres Iniesta? Okay, buddy. Kevin De Bruyne? HA, sure champ. Heck even, Christian Benteke. I mean not the first choice on the list but you fancy your chances because he is a soccer player. Let your stereotypes free, soccer haters. Just let them fly.

BUT. There is one player who has been dominating the lower leagues of England whom (whomst?) you may not know about and that is my guy Ade Akinfenwa. The aptly nicknamed Beast Mode (buy a t-shirt) has been ranked the strongest player in the FIFA video game series for years. This man is only 5'11 but is checking in at 220 lbs and benching 450 on a sick day. A man who has played for 15 clubs all across the English lower leagues and has scrapped for everything he's got. A man who has a top 5 goals video in which only consists of headed balls. He is a LEGEND.


This is the background to the strongest man in soccer. As we can see, not a man to be messed with. Yet our pals over at EA had the gall, the proper stones, to rank another man ahead of Ade in strength in FIFA 18. I mean that is no light decision. I'm sure there were scrambles and whispers around the EA offices in Vancouver. Hushed tones beginning to swirl over meetings upon meetings determining whether or not it was the right move. They did it. They pushed it out. Ade Akinfenwa is no longer the strongest man in world soccer. And you know who should be the most upset and nervous after all of this? Not the man who made the decision on naming Ade second, although he should be shitting his pants. It's not Ade himself. A man with an overall 64 FIFA ranking that could only hang his hat on being the best in one category. Not even him. 

It's my man Roman Torres. If I were Roman, I would be calling up EA, calling up FIFA, calling up the police asking for a change or asking for protection because that look in Ade's eyes when calling him out to the camera is terrifying. Now unless the mighty Wycombe Wanderers play a friendly with the Seattle Sounders, these two will never be on the same pitch. But naming a defender the strongest player in the game over Beast Mode, a striker, is just setting the world up to see a crime committed. Hell Ade may request a transfer to the MLS just to dunk on Roman. He's already played for 16 clubs, what's one more. 

So please, EA. Change the ranking. Roman has to play in the World Cup this summer. This is a chance of a lifetime for him. Let's allow him this pleasure to peacefully play without having to look over his shoulder for Beast Mode for the next 6 months. No man deserves this. No man. 

Also shout out Wycombe Wanderers. Fighting for promotion this year. Would love to see you all in League 1 onto the Championship with dreams of the Prem. If you don't have a favorite club or are in the market for an English Club. Give the Wanderers a look. UP THE CHOIRBOYS! (hell of a nickname) 






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Will a blackface costume still cause a stir in 2017? Let's ask Antoine Griezmann.


Antoine, Antoine, Antoine. Let's have a quick look at the calendar. We are on the doorsteps of 2018 and you're out here in a blackface costume like you are a sorority girl in 2014. Should you do a blackface costume ever? No. Not in 2017, not in 2014, not in 1914. Bad idea. Do I appreciate a good 69 joke (nice)? Of course I do but the joke gets thrown in the wash when you pair it with blackface. Are you trying to pay homage to your favorite NBA All-Star from the early 2000's? 


Sure, I agree Ben Wallace was a true underdog story going from undrafted to 5 time All-Star and hard nosed, gritty, workhorse for the dominate early 2000s Pistons, but you can't go full send with the costume like you did. 

We've seen the apology and it came quite quickly. I don't know what he said but he seems sorry. He certainly seems blessed that certain people excuse him. That's what my basic french is telling me any way. 



In the end, we've learned a few things here. Blackface costumes = still very very bad or tres mal pour Antoine. Second, if you want to pay respect to your favorite rebounder in the history of the NBA, do not replicate exactly or else you will end up in an internet bust-up or end up as the key cog to stopping a nuclear war with a rogue dictator:







PS. I really enjoyed the shade that the spanish newspaper AS threw at Antoine in a story about a potential transfer to Barcelona this summer.

 "Hey Jorge, I need a picture for the story about the Griezmann transfer to Barcelona and the Atleti corruption claim to FIFA. You got anything?"

 "Si, fam. I got you."




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Thursday, December 7, 2017

When you think the FIFA Trial can't get any crazier, Kevin Jonas gets called to the stand. That's right. A Jonas Brother.


What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On. In. Brooklyn. Just when you thought the FIFA trial could not get any more ridiculous, the prosecutors just gave the old:


Now you may be asking yourself how does a Jonas Brother factor into the FIFA trials taking place right now? Well, I'd say that's a fair question because I don't even think the prosecutors knows why they called our pal Kev-o up to the stand. He faced roughly 3-5 questions regarding a Paul McCartney concert that the Jonas Brothers attended back in 2010 in Buenos Aires in which one of the defendants was also in attendance.The Jonas Brothers went to the concert solely because they were suppose to play the same venue two days later. First question, how is this relevant to ANYTHING in FIFAgate? The two hadn't spoken to each other, didn't know the other was there, nor did they provide any bribes in attending this concert. Second, how about the Jonas Brothers doing a worldwide tour back in 2010. I don't know about you but I would not have seen that coming. I mean Sir Paul, sure but the Jonas Brothers? Teeny booper demand must have been at an all time high for them to answer the call down in Argentina. 

You also have to imagine how the conversation between the prosecutor and Kevin Jonas went down. 

"Hi, is this Kevin Jonas?" 

"Yes, it is. Can I ask who is calling?"

"I am the lead prosecutor for the FIFA investigation and would like to have you come testify against some corrupt men in court, you free on the 7th?" 

"Don't know how I can help but looks like I'm free on the 7th. You want me to get Nick and Joe to come as well?" 

"Ohhh ...  Kevin, we actually called them already and they couldn't make it. Joe said and I qoute "I am too busy making bangers and dating Sansa Stark. Please don't call this number again". Where as Nick replied "I am the 6th sexiest man in Pop according to Capital FM. Yeah, but no."" 

"Ah they said that to you too? Yea, I'll be there. You validate parking right?"



What a world we live in. What a world. #FIFAgate
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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Messi's new contract broken down is flat out astounding. Warning: Please do not do try this at home



The breaking down of a player's new contract is something that is uniquely in the world of soccer. You don't see this in hardly any sphere of American sports. I don't know why but everytime I see one of these breakdowns, I am awestruck at what a top footballer actually makes. As strange as it seems, 70 million euros a year doesn't sound THAT ridiculous. But seeing that he makes 2.20 euros PER SECOND, that stops me in my track. He is being paid to breathe. Nothing else. Just air in the lungs then air out of the lungs. 2.20 per breath. For something that we all do every day. To stay alive. To live, Messi is making 2.20 to live. I mean if there is one person that should get paid to stay alive, it's my man Leo.

As a note, please do not do this breakdown to your salary.

50,000 per year
4,166 per month
1,041.67 per week
148.80 per day
6,20 per hour
.10 per minute
you owe your employer per second


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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

UEFA President Aleksander Čeferin playing chess, everyone at FIFA playing checkers



This man Aleksander Ceferin. He seems to be doing everything right. Since the election which named him UEFA President, the basically unknown Slovenian has been saying and doing seemingly everything correctly. Speaking out against the monopolization of the Champions League by the ECA? Check. Willing to discuss a salary cap in European football to support the growth of smaller clubs from smaller countries? You betcha. Taking the MOST OBVIOUS PR decision of joining Common Goal? You bet your sweet ass. Listen, I don't know the guy personally and was in the beginning thought of as a patsy for the FIFA President and former general secretary of UEFA, Gianni Infantino. But for a sport that faces more daily criticism regarding ethics, greed, transparency than probably any sport in the world, joining Common Goal by donating 1% of your salary to charity was by far the easiest way to exclude yourself from the standard football narrative. I don't know the exact number but lets say Alek is making roughly the same ballpark as his FIFA counterparts in making about 1 million francs a year. He just spent 10,000 CHF in:

1) doing the right thing in donating to a football charity
2) building up more and more armour and leeway for anything that comes his way during the rest of his term as president.

This was as much a good person move as it was a safety net JIC he needs it. It is brilliant and I applaud the move.

Now, how not a single soul in FIFA from the President to the Secretary General to the Communications team did not see this as an available move is stunning to me. For an organization that has continually been backtracking for the past three years, this was a move that would have taken a bit off the heat off. Just for a few days but a break is a break. Hey FIFA, one of your biggest events is in two days. The global press will be in Russia to see who will be playing who for your LARGEST tournament. How about tie this in? Get some shine?


Gianni, any comment about FIFA being outmaneuvered by UEFA for the 60th straight year?







Nah, we good fam.

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Saturday, November 25, 2017

#ConspiracySZN is here in soccer. Could Peru be disqualified from the World Cup in favor of Italy or Chile?

Flag Peru animated gif 240x180
BREAKING: Latest reports from the FIFA Organising Committee suggest Qatar will take Peru's place in the 2018 FIFA World Cup if disqualified. The 2022 Hosts will likely be in pot 4.


Buckle up ladies and gents, its #ConspiracySZN in soccer. For most major soccer tournaments around the world, there comes this magical time in which one aspect of the event, the host, a team, a player, is called into question and is at risk for disqualification. We are currently seeing this happen with the hosting of the 2022 World Cup in Qatar and the bots that are trying to push damaging news to have the tournament removed from the country. We saw it in the build up to the 2010 World Cup in which Thierry Henry took a pass from the endline, took a dribble, and a Eurostep before eliminating Ireland from the playoffs. 


Should France be removed from the event? Should Ireland go? Should another country go? 

The 2018 World Cup now has its case in whether Peru should be able to go to the World Cup when they are found to be in violation of a FIFA regulation. The regulation and punishment are not important. Peru will go to the World Cup. Nothing will change. Yet, hearing the arguments on who would go in their place is downright hysterical. The articles are making the rounds on the internet now. "Should Italy take their place?" "Chile deserves to go..." and so on. In what planet would either of these two teams deserve to go to the World Cup. They failed to qualify just like the rest of the 180+ other countries around the world. There is hardly a mention of New Zealand to qualify in their place even though they were Peru's opponent in the intercontinental playoffs? 





I'm sorry IsItSnowin, but the US, Italy, Chile, nor Kiwis will be playing in the World Cup. I would love to see how far this goes. The latest rumors are that Qatar will qualify in Peru's place due to them hosting the next World Cup. See its that easy. I just did it. Now it's really #ConspiracySZN. QATAR TO THE WORLD CUP 2018!!!!

In all honesty, FIFA needs to rewrite this regulation that says "The Organising Committee for the event gets to CHOOSE who will replace a disqualified member." In what world does that help anyone? Set up some sort of chain of command for this type of decision. Don't just leave it up to a group of soccer officials with an overinflated sense of self-worth and importance. Come on FIFA. One time for me.
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Throat slashes, Suicides, and Soccer: The "What the hell is going on around here" update from the FIFA Trial


It all started three years ago on a sunny Swiss dawn on the banks of the Zurichsee. Baur au Lac, the unofficial official palace of world soccer, a safe haven for corruption, a celebratory respite from the arduous all expenses paid first class flight for the "untouchables" of global soccer gathering at the home of the sport. In this one morning, FIFA and its constituents lost any of the credibility that it had left with the arrest of over 20 of its members for racketeering, money laundering, and so on. You name it and they did it. Now displaced from the protection of their homelands, three of the arrested  are sitting in a NYC courtroom with the same apparent smugness that led them to the very seat they occupy today.  What has transpired in the courtroom in the short time this trial has been active can only be described as grandiose even for Hollywood. I am glad the trial is not getting much play outside the diehard soccer community because well it's becoming a shitty episode of Law and Order. It's a terrible look for the sport and all that love it. Yet, the FIFA trial is somehow managing to add its own unique flair in that its ramifications are being felt in a very real way in and outside of the courtroom. 

The main witness in the case is an Argentinian businessman who took a plea deal based off his involvement in the bribery and laundering throughout the years. This man is fucked. No two ways about it. His life and probably the lives of his family, friends, neighbors will never be the same. He is ratting on some of the most powerful businessmen in South America. We've already had a nice glimpse into this man's future within the first week of the trial. Former Peruvian soccer official Manuel Burga is currently being accused of intimidating a witness after making TWO throat cutting gestures at the witness during his testimony. His lawyer claims that his skin condition on his throat forces him to make gestures to his neck area to manage the discomfort. Get this man a bottle of Lubriderm or put the witnesses family in protection stat because you don't come back from a throat cut motion. Once you go full throat cut, you are basically forced into action. Just ask my man the Undertaker. 

undertaker the wwe rip cut throat animated GIF

You don't go 18-1 in Wrestlemania without backing up your throat cuts. Now imagine being up there on the stand and seeing this not once but TWICE. On the second throat cut, the witness just started crying. CRYING. A grown man crying in a courtroom just knowing what all this means. I do have to say though that this witness really has brass ones staying up there knowing each word is putting men like Burga further and further into a US jail cell and his livelihood more and more into question. 

Now, you are thinking to yourself. How could this get any more interesting? It's just a court case for crying out loud. Well reader, one innocuous throwaway line from our friend Mr. Witness seems to be the reason why an Argentine lawyer committed suicide last week. He makes a mere situational reference to Argentina's "Football for All" program association to bribery and boom a man with a family ends up throwing up the deuces to the world hara kari style. He pulls a Pablo Escobar (shout out Narcos) and says I'd rather die in my country then rot in a US jail. HE WASN'T EVEN IMPLICATED IN THE CASE! 

So this now puts us at two throat cuts and one suicide. Where to next? Let's go with murder for $500, Alex. 

This trail is barely a week old. We now have the mobster trifecta in that a potential murder may be tied to the wide-reaching and sinister spider-web that is the FIFA trail. This past week a VP of one of the implicated companies for handing out bribes was found shot dead on a Mexico City street. Now, as the BBC put it, they do not know if there is any connection of this death to the trial. Could it have been a robbery gone wrong in Mexico City where they have one of the highest ratio of cops to citizens (shout out Wikipedia) in the world because of all the crime? Sure. Would you be surprised if this murder was very much tied to the corruption charges being heard against very powerful South American businessmen? Exactly. 

At what point three years ago would anyone think that a court case involving soccer officials responsible for over hundreds of millions of dollars in bribes being tried in the historically soccer mad country of the US of A while people are suspiciously dropping dead around the Americas? None people. That's how many. None. I don't even know if that sentence makes any sense because I still struggle to wrap my head around the calamity that is the FIFA trial. You also have to realize that this is the trial for only 3 of the 20 odd people involved. We've had some plead guilty already but still have a handful of these bastions of morality off praying that extradition won't get them. 

The whole thing is extraordinarily surreal. It has ceased to be purely comedic in nature, which is a shame. We got people dying because of this garbage. It's not to throw away what these guys have done in the past. They acted criminally and should be punished but by no means should we have dead bodies over soccer. It's a sport. That's it. It's not life or death like some people would force you to believe. I honestly hope all that committed illegal acts will go to jail. I also hope that this trial delivers more hilarious storylines but let's take it down a notch fellas. Light and amusing not sick and morbid. 

PS. 

We still have mountains of people roaming around free from this trial. We have Sepp Blatter living within 5 miles of the FIFA offices still asking for invites to FIFA events. This trial is scratching the surface of what there is to come. We are on the American leg of the case and god willing we see a swift move over to Europe with the likes of Valke, Blatter, Platini in front of the fire. 

PPS. 

The only thing that would make this whole case more intriguing would be the re-introduction of our good pal, Jack Warner. Even in the face of his long time friend Uncle Sepp back in Zurich, Jack Warner was probably the most delusional, enigmatic, and unintentionally humorous aspect of the FIFA fallout. Gentleman Jack is still sitting in Trinidad developing his Youtube Channel, stealing the Inception music, switching camera angles like a boss. 


while politely refusing to spit on reporters


and building the brand "Jack Warner TV"


We need our man back in front of the camera. He is charisma personified spitting hot fire from his green screen in Trinidad. I need more Jack and I need it now. 
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